My Pregnancy Loss

There’s something you don’t know… earlier this year I was pregnant. I learned of my pregnancy at a bit of an inopportune time- right before the launch of the Mind & Motion virtual studio. I had been working a full year on creating this unique website, which heavily involves the use of my body, and I was faced with the possibility of my body changing drastically. I was elated(!) and panicked all at the same time. You see, I’ve wanted another child since my daughter was born 7 years ago. The circumstances of life made it difficult to act upon that wish. Here I was, at age 42, with a missed period turned pregnancy. I felt like I had hit the jackpot…Boom.

I quickly began considering how this joyful blessing would impact the launch and maintenance of the website. Luckily, I had a lot of filmed content already. I filmed 6 more workouts very early on and then planned for a prenatal program which I would film in later pregnancy.

A few weeks later, when I found out some unfortunate news from my NIPT blood test, I thought it would be best to keep my pregnancy private a little longer. I put off filming, accessing already recorded content for social media and wore baggy clothing, not quite sure how much to tell.

When we lost the baby at 20 weeks my husband and I were devastated. I’m still deeply grieving this loss… 

I’m grieving not only the feeling of having this little human inside of me, but also the promise of new life and all of the blessings babies bring to the world.  

This experience has taken its toll on me. I have baby weight gain and I went through (still going through) the effects of postpartum. My body and emotional being are tender. My emotions are still regulating and I expect for the grief of this loss to be with me for some time. 

However, my body’s ability to adapt astounds me – that it knows how to grow a human, then not, and then be open once again to possibility. 

I started back on the mat, moving slowly and gently, and am now moving into more intense workouts. I’m feeling connected to my core once again, learning to meet my previous self on new terms, understanding and accepting things will never be the same. I’m acquiring resilience through this all. 

I know that so many of you have experienced the loss of a pregnancy, the loss of that promise. I hope you too can find some solace in the amazing ability of your body to adapt and change directions. Hopefully, the experience has strengthened or softened you in some way. 

Know that moving your body after pregnancy or pregnancy loss is a wonderful way to reconnect to yourself. You can begin by simply lying on the floor and breathing (this is not nothing). As your diaphragm moves it helps you connect to your pelvic floor and deep abdominals. An awakening begins. You can then move your legs and feel how your limbs are connected to your core. A sense of deep strength in the center of your being occurs. You’ve weathered a storm. The promise has now shifted. The (re)birth is now of yourself. 

I will be filming some prenatal and postpartum content soon and it will be landing on my site sometime later this year. If you’re currently pregnant, postpartum, or somewhere in the middle with pregnancy and need some directions with your workout, shoot me an email on the main Journal page.